Skewed Views

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I woke up this morning singing the Jesus Culture song, "All Consuming Fire" in my head and I'm not sure why other than the fact that maybe this is what the Holy Spirit is singing over me today.

I started this blog as an outlet to jot down everyday musings, whether those musings be a funny story about my kids, something inspirational or challenging for myself or you...whoever you are reading this.

CC woke me up around 5 this morning and I wasn't able to go back to sleep; something kept telling me that I needed to write a post. I sat down on the couch, read a chapter out of Ezekial (because for the past month or so I've been trying to read the book even though at times, I feel as lost as a goose in the woods navigating through it), then came to write a post. Crickets. Not a clue what to write. I resorted to my thoughts of, "well, I don't have anything funny to say and I don't want all of my posts to be serious and deep-in-thought, so I just won't write today." However, the lyrics of that song kept playing in my mind so here I am, back in the post.

Reading the lyrics of this song, I'm drawn to one word, love. I think my view of God has been so skewed my entire life, and still today at times. I've been a christian for as long as I can remember, though I did some major backsliding in my late teens and college years; I've always known and acknowledged God but I think subconsciously I've seen Him as being unreachable and judgmental. Though I've seen miracle after miracle and have experienced blessing after blessing through and by Him, if there's ever been a bad thought in my mind or something bad that has happened in my life, I immediately think, "what did I do wrong?" or "is this God punishing me", or even, "this is too good to be true, something bad is going to happen." How jacked up is my way of thinking?! And this is coming from someone who has always known and loved God! In the past few years I've really tried to tackle this view I've had of God. A friend of mine has mentioned numerous times about the character of God and one of the last times I heard her say those words, I really thought about that statement and evaluated my assessment of the character of God. That is when I realized that I've had a pretty messed up view of His character. Yes, when we sin, there are consequences but that's not God condemning us. He's not some dictator sitting on a throne, ready to throw flames at us for the things we do wrong. He's not out to get us. I've always been a worrier; I remember my mom calling me the "worry wart of the family" as a child and I think because I've always been a worrier, I have had the mentality that something bad is just around the corner. I remember when I was in my early twenties, I would pray that God would let me be a wife and mom, and to please not let the world end until I could experience motherhood. So fast forward to after the miracle of Bo being conceived and born, I remember one day having a mini internal anxiety attack thinking, "oh gosh, my prayer was answered and I'm now a wife and mom...am I going to die now?!" or "is the end of the world coming now??" I know, jacked up. I sit here and shake my head at myself thinking of how ridiculous those thoughts are. I still find myself having fleeting thoughts much like these at times, especially when something good happens in my life but now I stop and often have an internal comin'-to-Jesus meeting with myself. The God I serve is the God of love. I often hear He is love--that's His pure nature and character. I'm 31 years old and still trying to fully grasp that. I know I can only absorb and understand but so much because I'm human and it's very difficult to see God for Who He truly is but as much as my minuscule mind can grasp it, I will continue to strive to see Him for Who and What He truly is. Love.

All consuming fire
You're our hearts desire
Living flame of love
Come baptize us
Come baptize us

All consuming fire
You're our hearts desire
Living flame of love
Come baptize us
Come baptize us

All consuming fire
You're our hearts desire
Living flame of love
Come baptize us
Come baptize us

All consuming fire
You're our hearts desire
Living flame of love
Come baptize us
Come baptize us

Let us fall more in love with you

We wanna know
How high, how deep, how wide is
love, love love

*All Consuming Fire by Jesus Culture | Songwriters: Cassie Campbell / David Brymer / Misty Edwards

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