Early Thirties Crisis


Have you ever felt the itch for change? This happens to me every so often--probably about once every 3-6 months--life just gets to where it feels stagnant and I need a boost. When I was a kid, I used to want a different bed spread every other year or I'd want to rearrange my room and switch of the furniture. I find myself wanting to do those things even as an adult but I also tend to try new things more often as well. Like this whole gardening/homestead thing. It's so funny to me because homesteading was the way of life back in the day--it wasn't the latest trendy thing to be self sustainable. I'm sure I'm overthinking it but if I'm being honest, I'm terrified of completely failing on growing my own food. Sounds silly but I don't do failure well and that would include killing the food we just planted. Rob set up the watering system on a timer so there's half the battle; I either over or under water and it's usually the latter. Part of my goal in this new endeavor is to teach Bo how to be self sustainable early on; I don't want him to be a kid with his hands glued to a device or sitting in front of a T.V. all day. I remember how fun it was when I was a kid and spent hours outside, sometimes even having to pick out of my great aunt and uncle's garden. Some of my best memories were made outside! I'm not naive to the reality that my children are being raised in a different environment and culture but I've never been much for conformity in scenarios that I didn't completely approve of. I have to find a happy medium. Bo was probably two before I even let him touch a phone and now one of his favorite things to do at night before bed is to use an Apple pen and draw on Rob's iPad. I wasn't completely kosher with that idea at first but I know times are changing and it's inevitable that he will have more access to technology than I did when I was his age. However, having responsibilities early on is a must in my book and I'm hoping that starting this garden and having two chickens can be fun tools to teach Bo and CC with.

I'm not sure if it's part of the journey of finding out God's calling on my life or if it's part of the itch for a change but I feel so all over the place with many parts of my life lately. I've always had a touch of complacency but I can look back on the last year and see it layered on a little thick. I don't like it. Maybe that means God is working on something monumental because I can't seem to get comfortable or settled? Maybe it's my upbringing and feeling like every few years I need a change of scenery? Maybe an early thirties crisis? I don't know what it was about turning 31 last June that I felt like something big was going to happen. I mean, yes, turning 30 was a big milestone of course but I have a weird way of thinking sometimes and when I turned 31 last year I immediately thought of Proverbs 31. You know, the chapter in scripture that is all about the ideal woman. I remember thinking and praying that God would reveal part of, if not all of, His will for my life. Even just a glimpse of what He created me for. I think this past year has been even more of a searching season for me and His will than ever before. Hence, my wondering if maybe I'm in an early thirties crisis. I know, sounds ridiculous, right? I digress.

I'm still seeking and I'm still trying new things until something fits. One example of something that sounds so materialistic but for me is a small way of trying to force myself to be consistent about something is getting my nails done. Go ahead and laugh. I've never been one to do things for myself but at the beginning of this year, I decided (with Rob's blessing of course) to get my nails done every two weeks. He gets his hair cut once a month while I might get mine cut once a year so his response to my saying it was unnecessary but asking what he thought about the idea was, "well you getting your nails done is about as necessary as me getting my hair cut so I don't see anything wrong with it." Ok cool. So now for the last 4, almost 5 months, I have one hour every 2-3 weeks to myself with no kids and no responsibilities. It's a change/new thing that I started and thus far I've stuck with it even when I feel guilty about it sometimes. Last week I also got a wild hair (no pun intended) and decided to chop my hair off. It was the longest it's ever been--to the middle of my back--and about 9:30 on a random night, after the kids were in bed, I looked up a tutorial on YouTube and whacked my locks off. Yeah not the brightest idea I've had but I didn't care. It wasn't awful but definitely needed to be touched up so I went two days later and had the girl who cuts my hair once a year clean up my cutting job.

But seriously, what is wrong with me?! Does anyone else ever do random stuff like this? Just needing a change? On the surface it would seem that I simply wanted a fresh start with my personal appearance--hair, nails--but it makes me question the deeper meaning because, well, I'm a deep thinker. I feel like there's a root to everything. Every thought, every action. The way I see it is I get stuck on a hamster wheel in life and things start feeling mundane so I need to throw in a little spice to liven stuff up.

My 32nd birthday is rapidly approaching, in a little more than two weeks to be exact, and I can't help but wonder what the next year will bring. I'm praying for wisdom, discernment, and especially direction on what God is calling me to do and be. I know that despite my wandering, God is working and what He's got planned is far more than what I could ever conjure up.

Here's to keeping the garden going, the chickens laying and my nails dazzling...